Please note: Since we are never sure if someone has hurled themselves off the edge of sanity or if they actually joking, I will ease your mind right now and tell you this is meant to be funny.

  1. When you arrive at the grocery store and there is a line up of people outside standing close enough to breath in each other’s neck musk, take a pause and ask yourself if this meets Coronavirus protocol. If someone approaches you and asks if you have change for the grocery cart, while thrusting a virus soaked five-dollar bill in your face, run to your car and lock the door.

  2. When you do finally arrive at an acceptably vacant store, sit in your car and survey the surroundings first. Watch for people parking too close to you or for anyone who is displaying signs of Corona Craziness (don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean). Exit your car while glancing repeatedly over your shoulder. Slip into the store.

  3. Make sure to leave your recyclable bags in the car, because now that we’re facing the end, it’s plastic for days.

  4. Remember to take your hand sanitizer into the store with you to wipe down the cart handle (because if you forget, you’re going to see a YouTube video hours later of a doctor talking about all the precautions you should take to avoid getting the virus while grocery shopping and you’re going to feel really stupid)

  5. When you come across the refrigerated section with a row of shelves that are empty except for one stick of butter, don’t get smug. Guaranteed you now have the task of finding a recipe for blue cheese butter.

  6. Good news: if you love gluten free cauliflower crusted pizza or soy ice cream, I checked and you’re totally in the clear. You won’t even have to limit 1 per customer. Hoard away!

  7. Don’t mind the dirty looks you’ll get if your cart starts to fill up past the acceptable sane person amount. You’re not hoarding; people are just totally jealous of your shopping skills. You do you and remember you’ll be at home eating casserole while they’ll have to go back in a few days and line up neck to neck to get another armload of provisions.

  8. When you’ve done at least four or five confused turns around the entire store, trying to find items that are not there anymore, make your way to the checkout. Be sure to stay calm when the cashier AND the grocery bagger touches every single item you buy while smiling pleasantly at you.

  9. When you come home make sure you follow the protocol of the doctor on YouTube: wash and wipe each and every item you bought, while daydreaming of carefree grocery shopping of the past.

Happy Shopping! What experiences have you had at the grocery store? Comment below

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